Insanity's Requim

I've been jogging every other day with a buddy of mine. Hopefully I'll be in better shape for it eventually. Other than that, not much has changed. I still practice new songs, I still try to write songs, I still try to find meaning in this crazy world, and, as per my usual fair, am still alone. Some things change bit by bit, and others not at all, it would appear. In reality, there isn't much I can bitch about, i've got a place to stay, food to eat, and am living a relatively comfortable lifestyle. Strange how with so many things going for me, I can still remain as depressed as I always am. Maybe its just that existential sort of thing, maybe its something else. Whatever the case, the problem seems to be in my mind, maybe one day I can solve it.

I have a migrane the size of texas, a stomach as empty as a politician's promise, and the angst of a 15 year-old, truly stupendous. My coping method, aggravate it by listening to Grand Funk Railroad and staring at a computer screen for hours without end. Today, leaves nothing to be desired.

Well, it would appear that life is taking its course rather nicely. The only issues I have regard my Confidence and Paranoia, and it definitally feels as if a pitched battle is going on between them, although somtimes one appears to be winning, the tides change. Hopefully I won't let my paranoia get to me, if i'm too obsessed or submissive, it will only end in pain. On the flip side, the same ending occurs if I become too narcissitic and foward...Can't there be a happy medium where I succeed and can live without worry for a while? Well until the next episode of my borderline soap opera, farewell.

...Or perhaps its a hunger that stalks me night and day? What is this thing that clings to me like an unwanted shadow? Or am I just a shadow of this hunger? Eventually, the truth will come out for me to see it before the truth changes into something else. But this thing that seems to grab at me, is this lust? Or perhaps hatred, or even love? Who am I to say what i'm feeling when just feeling seems so foreign. All I know is that its a tangle force that seems to lick at my mind and sing its siren's song. Whatever it may be, I know that unless it gets fed, I won't feel much else besides it gnawing. Perhaps there lies a place to gorge this creature so that it leaves me be. Or perhaps its simply too dificult for me to find a meal for this insatiable hunger. Regardless, it is time to move onward and forward, and i'm bound to bring my mangled pet with me wherever I tread. Might as well check out that club, might as well refine and relearn any skill that I ever had in seduction, its too cold a world to sleep alone.

It feels like i've spent a long time in a fog, or on auto-pilot. The feeling of weeks passing by without really doing anything... Its quite disconcerting. And now i'm trying to find my way out and get on with everything instead of being in a dream.

My od band fell apart due to proffesional differences. So, I called a few people upand got an ew one together. Only issues I can forsee are regarding scheduling, and the iffy thing with my bassist getting surgery on a punctered kidney pretty soon, though I somehow doubt that will be more than a passing issue in the long run.

...Put together an e-mag that is essentially short stories of various genre's and styles. I have a couple of people who would be interested in writing for the first issue. I think I'll devote some time this week to discovering what i'll need to do to set it in motion.

I find it quite amusing when people become surprised that the facade that their favorite band put up was just that. Since I'm such a joker, and I reall love dissonance, I think that after I play a song like "Raining Blood" or "Stormy Monday", I'll just have to pull out some "Godzilla" or "Unskinny Bop". Nothing quite like setting a mood and proceeding to ruin it.

It occurs to me that our living space reflect who we are, what we feel, and what we do. Take your quarters, and empty it of everything but what that which represents a pice of yourself you want to keep improve, or become. I think it would be a nice idea to empty my area. I think I would keep the guitars, the amp, some books, maybe my record player and viynals, and eisal, art supplies, candles and other "equipment", and a sleeping bag. Maybe then my mind would be more focused on my arts.

I've been putting together a blues/rock group. So far missing a bassist, though my rythm guitarist is a pretty damn good bassist, so if he must, then he must. We have been working on a little bit of material, mostly stuff that I haven't finished writing yet. We'll be doing covers of some Cream, Trower, Vaughn, Black Sabbath, Led Zepplin, and anything else hat we can make work.

While I'm on the topic of music, I've re-discovered my fondness of Poison. Their guitar work is actually pretty decent. Seems a bit more difficult than a lot of Smashing Pumpkins stuff.

On a different topic, i'm going to re-read all of Lionell Snell (or would his alter ego and pen name Ramsey Dukes be more accurate?). It always seems to induce a positive personality shift.

I spent a few days with a few old friends in a cabin somewhere to the north. I feel great disapointment with some of them. Why does everyone desire to throw away their time, the concept of "Killing time" makes me wonder why people like to do useless things that have nothing to do with their goals instead of working on their dreams. Time is too precious to let slip through your fingers.

Working on my material, also learning a few classic cream songs. I know Sunshine of your Love, finishing learning White Room, then Badge, and than their version of Crossroads. After thats done, i'll pick up Layla and start learning some Trower. At some point i'll learn T-bone Walker's Stormy Monday, and than comes Stevie Ray Vaughn and Santana. Inbetween all of that I might pick up some Alice in Chains and Metallica just for something easier.

I spent the last couple of days hanging out with Rob, which was the first time iv'e seen him in...Years maybe. Has definitly changed in a couple dramatic ways, but still is a decent guy. Also, I don't know where I'm going with my life, and the very fact that i'm somewhat apathatic is a little disconcerting to me. I guess I should make a schedule up and actually strive towards accomlishing a couple goals(reminds me that I need a couple goals as well). I keep feeling that i'm somehow slipping towards oblivion, or into a coma. I guess I like having problems, cause I keep finding them. Hope thy name is ambition.

Kind of deppressed, or maybe i'm just catching something...Stomach flu maybe...Anyways, learning more clapton,got a new amp, reading "The Lawless State,The Crimes of the U.S. Intelligence Agencies". The book is interesting, though maybe not really helpful. Sometimes lacking in credible sources, or using too much rumour. Still, interesting read and anything like that is nice for sheeple to second-guess things and perhaps take a more active role in government. Hopefully.

My sleep schedule is still way off, and the weather is bad. But, the tea is good, and the solitude reflective. It certainly seems that i've been putting of progressing my life in the directions that I thought I desired. The only reason I can think of is that i've been too tired to care about writting, drawing, or submitting stuff to be published. Probably should do something about that.

On the plus side, i'm writting music, and bit by bit getting better with my favored instrument. So far I have two songs written that are ok, after I figure out a few more, I'll work on a demo.

Let's see, buddy of mine probably has a concussion. I've been looking through my childhood things and realized that most of it is utter junk. I'll sell off what I can, give away what I can't sell, and junk the remaining crap. That's about it for now.

I decided against going. Work and my cat are more important right now than to go on a bender. Going to see Beowulf at 12:15 tonight, paying for my friend, and going to work at 7 am. When I get back from the movie, I going to have to take a few pictures for ebay before I turn in. Still looking around for an affordable vox amp in my area. Haven't gotten to submitting some poetry to a couple of magazines, but I did create an interesting guitar riff today. Fingerstyle is just so much fun, but I need to practice and learn those scales so that I can write better solos... Also, i'm supposed to hang out with a couple of buddies tommorow, and i'm not to certain as to how i'm going to fit that into my schedule. Oh well, that happens every now and again.

Wrote another song...Trying to finsih the guitar work in it... Oh, and apparently, Ive been asked to go with somebody to a party out in Indiana. Don't really know whether to go or not. kind of stuck in an emotional deadend here, really need to add some tension or passion into my life. Things just aren't bright any more. By the way, the night makes it beautiful here, the fog doesn't hurt either... To sum up, i'm adrift in the sea of life, and I really need to see land over the horizon.

I really have to make a schedule so that I can squeeze every possible bit of life out of every day, instead of wasting them by blowing my time on useless things that pose little real meaning to me. List includes watching knifeforums, knife collecting, aimless internet cruising, television, or by the self-destructive act of blowing time getting messed up with my "buddies". I Think I should devote at least two hours every day to guitar and other musical pursuits. I probably should go to the gym at least twice a week. Need to spend some time on writing pursuits and submitting them to magazines. And than there is the graphic arts that I need to reconnect with...
Well, off to accomplish at least some things, wish me luck!

Thinking about trading my SG for a Strat. I just sort of prefer the way they feel and sound...If I played more metal and less blues-rock, I might feel different. Looking around for a good deal on a vox amp, hopefully i'll find one. I've also been thinking about custom guitars with exotic tone woods, too bad its extremly expensive (about $450+ for the neck alone), so it will remain a pipe dream for a while.

I ended up writing the music for a song yesterday, and it has tendency to mutate and evolve into something better. Hopefully I'll figure out some lyrics to it. Also coming up with an arrangment for a different song that I was working on. I think the name of that one will be "Silence" and will have a few interesting pieces to it. Think that i'll submit some of my poetry to "Dreams and Nightmares" and "Macabre" magazine. maybe i'll write a couple of short stories and see if any of the many horror/sci-fi mags will want them. I need to go through about a dozen boxes in storage to look for the elusive fuzz and wah pedals, as well as the even more elusive wind effects. Hopefully, i'll get my act together and record some of my music and put it on itunes or something. Too bad I have to borrow other peoples talents on drum and bass work. Kinda pisses me off that my friends who might be willing have an inability to commit to any end and probably have a work schedule in the way of normal band sessions. Until then, I'll just practice more and learn more songs by trower, clapton, and the less ilustrious alice in chains.

On a more graphic art note, I need to get back to basics since its been a long time since i've done anything. Kinda hard to create interesting stuff in a final form when you have a hard time remembering how to do basic things. Stupid how you forget that stuff and still remember surrealist techniques and games.

And on a less artsy note, I should replace my boot strings and get my coat repaired now that winter is around the bend and cold weather is already here. Hopefully I manage to do that today or tommorow.